So, my week began completely unexpectedly. I must say that I never meant to use this blog as a personal diary to dish out the details of my life, but after much consideration and thought, I will discuss something very personal in this post. I am a writer, although I have not had anything published yet, I am still a writer. I took a major leap this summer into following my dream of becoming a successfully published author. I have written several children's books and have a novel that I am working on. I have just recently met many of the authors, some via the internet and some in-person, that I have come to admire! Some have been incredibly supportive, others (more like one) has been a little diva-ish. BUT, I persevered. I continued to drum up the courage needed to "network" to meet people in the business and in-the-know of all things writing and publishing. I thought I even made a friend along the way in a fellow aspiring writer.
Have you ever been so betrayed in your past that you didn't think you could ever trust again, but you did anyway? Yeah, that is me! I allowed myself to trust someone that really seemed to care about my journey as a writer and before I knew it, it became a friendship, or so I thought! We would email -sometimes several times a day- about our lives. And it all began because of our similar love of writing. I cannot express enough how much I cared for this person as a writer, friend, and fellow human! This person shared some details of their life and work with me and I even gave detailed ideas on how they could pursue seeking the "right" people to help see their dream work become a reality. Sometimes I gave more attention to their plans or the possibility for a collaboration with them than I did to my own personal work. I was sending them ideas left and right and was so excited about the possibilities! There was something in the pit of my stomach, but I ignored it. Damn! I wanted so much to see that this person really did care. My entire family knew of my relationship with this person and recently I was even requesting some of them to help create some artwork for a collaboration that I was working on with this person -or so I thought.
I woke up Monday morning to an email from this person and it hit me like a sucker punch to the gut! They decided that we are no longer friends, collaborating, or communicating. I sent an email asking if what I was reading was correct. I guess I missed the fight or something. I did not hear back. Last I knew, we were looking forward to our friendship growing and working together! It sucks because I knew better than to trust, but I did! I saw what I thought was another beautiful writer and I wanted so much to believe that they were as real as I am. Toward the end, I ingnored the red flags and kept sending my ideas and kept trying to invest in a friendship...I knew I was alone, but I did not want to see it!
After the initial shock, tear drop, and confusion I got myself together and drove my children to school. I was just about to leave the last school when I noticed several missed calls on my cell. I saw that one was from my mom so I called her and learned that her cousin had just died. She was my moms age and had a daughter only two years older than me. They live in the Northwest and throughout our high school years we were pen pals. She and I wrote to one another several times a week. I recently came across her letters and remembered how much I looked forward to hearing about her life in Washington. Now, my heart breaks for her and her children...I just can't imagine the sadness they are enduring at this time.
Out of the blue...we had a down pour here. It rained and rained and rained! This particular day, I felt the rain was extremely poignant. I had to go to my former high school in the early evening and was able to be outside in the downpour. At one point I was able to close my eyes and recall better days as the cool rain bounced across my face. I saw new faces and recognized many others from my high school days. I also met up with my parents and saw the sadness in my mom's face as she recalled her youthful days running around the streets of Washington with her cousin.
This day was also the birthday of someone very special to me. We ended the long, crazy, rainy day by quietly celebrating this special day. It was an awful lot of emotion for one day, but I found some strength within this soul to continue on hour by hour. We've had a lot of stress lately, but who hasn't, right? I always think that everyone has something they are enduring.
So, I send blessings to my family, especially my cousin as she finds her strength within to kiss her mom goodbye for the final time.
I send birthday blessings to my special someone and wish them wonderful things this year!
I also send blessings to the person that has hurt me! Don't get me wrong, I have already gone through all the stages...hurt, confusion, anger (lots!), and sadness. But, I'm happy to know now that I didn't mean anything to them if it was so easy to toss me and our friendship aside! I trusted someone and I don't know if I can do that again. I have something to learn here and I am trying to see that. I guess I can say that I can send this person wishes of blessings because they didn't know that they were going to add pain to a day that was going to be impacted by other more important family matters. Maybe they don't even see that what they did is wrong. I realize that some people are so business-minded that they do whatever it takes to get ahead, but that is sad to me. More than anything I feel duped! Duped out of my creativity, my ideas, my time, and my true friendship...and that stinks!
"Cherish your friends 'cause they don't come that often and when they do they're worth keeping." I heard Whoopi Goldberg say this on the View today and I thought, Wow...what timing!
Wishing you all dreams to fulfill and the inspiration needed to do so. I also wish you true friendship in your life and people appreciative enough to care for your gift of friendship!
~the sol within~
Give it a listen. The songs that inspired this post:
~Friends by Whodini
~People Are People by Depeche Mode
~Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
~Blue Monday by New Order
~Joy 'n' Pain by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
~The Power by Snap!
~Shout by Tears for Fears
Especially for my mama and for my cousin...
~My Girl by The Temptations
~A Song for Mama by Boyz II Men